Season 19 Week 7: People shouldn’t be able to look pretty while crying

Alright guys, let me start off by saying the following: I can’t watch this show anymore. I actually spend my time like this. I can’t watch this bullshit for TWO HOURS EVERY WEEK. I need this to come to a close very soon. But it’s sadly pretty fun, so let’s get into it.

This week we’re down to five women, so next week the four remaining get to take the bachelor home for hometown visits. Still hanging around, we’ve got Marianne, Jane, Tess, Jo, and Anna.

They’re in Hawaii this week and the first one-on-one date goes to Marianne. This is Marianne’s first one-on-one date since week 1, which is hard to believe because she seems to monopolize his time on group dates and during cocktail parties with sheer force. Marianne plays an aggressive game, y’all. Marianne makes a big deal. She claims that when she stepped out of the car and slipped and he helped her up, she was smitten from that moment on. This chick is talking soulmates, and I’m just not sure I see it. If I were the Bachelor, I would run away from this girl.

Marianne Date

On their date, they go kayaking. It’s pretty cute, but during their lunch on a small offshore island, things get pretty intense. The Bachelor’s talking in his interview about not knowing Marianne too well and wanting to get to know her more if she takes him home. She, however, tells him she loves him and can’t wait for their future together. He smiles and kisses her, but I feel like he’s probably panicking.. To top it off, she reads him the poems she wrote about their love. Is this actually as romantic as the show makes it seem? These poems always sound so cheesy, and I’m always surprised at the recipient’s ability not to crack up listening to this shit. The Batch talks in an interview about how glad he is that she’s so open, but that he’s not sure if he’s there yet. I get that she’s seems a little too into it, but also I feel like he should appreciate that he has this beautiful and intelligent woman who’s very openly into him.

Back at the house, they get the group date card. It’s that awkward time in the season when only three girls go on the group date. This date is going to Jane, Anna, and Jo, which means that the last one-on-one before hometowns is going to Tess. I worry about this. Tess is probably the sweetest girl in the house and of course you root for her, but she’s got some self-esteem issues. We don’t get to hear a lot of the sob story, but it seems like she’s had a rough past and has continued to act like she doesn’t deserve any attention from the Bachelor. I’m not positive how she made it to the final five without a one-on-one, but she has and she seems like she might have a hard time now with all this attention.

Jo, of course, is not having this. Jo is really cool and super individualistic and she might be my frontrunner if it weren’t for…well, her being a bitch. It’s not cattiness as much as just that she has herself a temper. This is too bad because she seems really down to earth and fun, but no one wants to marry the bitch.

Anna gets a mysterious phone call and seems a little off afterwards. Both the cameras and the girls question her, and she just says it’s “someone from home.” “Someone from home” sounds slightly suspicious, no? Is “someone from home” boyfriend from home? Anna decides she needs to go take a nap and the other girls continue to ponder the mystery call.

Marianne gets back from her date, and (classic Marianne!) talks about how amazing her date was and how great their connection is and Jo is looking pretty pissed. She decides to call her family (is this even allowed?) and she actually manages to calm the fuck down. This makes me really want her to make it to hometowns. In an interview, Jo shares that it usually feels worth it to be here because she really likes the bachelor, but she has a hard time being away from her family. She calls her family, and all is well again. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like fiancées usually live together and I don’t know how down Jo would be to live away from her family. I guess we’ll see how this pans out.

Group Date

Big spoiler here: it’s really awkward.

You know those cute one-on-one dates where they go to the local market and get to know the culture and they pretend like this is what traveling with a partner is always like? Well, the network decided that this time they were gonna do it as a group date. It’s pretty far into the season, so they’re all very emotional and weird when the Bachelor is talking to another girl. While the others window shop (honestly, which producer okayed this terrible date?), Jo takes the Batch aside and they sit on a park bench and talk about their relationship. Jo tells him that’s she’s felt as if she hasn’t had a lot of time with him which is hard for her because she’s putting a lot on the line to be there and not getting a lot from him. She’s. Got. Balls. She takes no shit from him. He tries to blame it on how the show works, and she shuts him down. You’ve got to admire her for being herself and making no apologies. He, however, does make apologies, which actually seem sincere and seem to mollify Jo well enough. She tells the camera in an interview that she feels a lot better. I don’t know how much his “sorry ” means, but I’m going to hand it to her for saying what she wants and getting it. You go, girl.

The Batch talks to Anna next and it’s very clear that she’s still distracted after her phone call from “someone at home,” but he doesn’t mention anything. He’s like “Hey, you look pretty. What’s your family like?” and when she gives him a half-hearted response about them being important to her, he’s just “yeah cool okay now that we’ve exchanged the words, can we make out?” What a solid relationship they’re building.

Lastly, he and Jane walk over to this cute shaved ice stand and he asks her about previous relationships and why things never led to marriage. Jane tells him that she’s worried about losing her autonomy if she marries, because she’s totally free when she’s single. She might not be the most beautiful girl here, but she’s got brains and she’s got guts. In an interview, the Bachelor says this worries him, because he wants someone who’s ready to commit. Jane says that if it’s the right person, she won’t feel caged in, and she hasn’t felt like that with him, so that seems to be a good sign. This calms him down a bunch and he says he can “see a future with her.” Cute.

Since there are only three girls on the date, no one gets a rose. Jane and Jo seem pretty happy with how the date went, but Anna is definitely thinking about some things. She’s super quiet and the other girls notice.

Tess Date

The time has come. Tess actually seems pretty excited about the date. The date card says “Let’s float away together,” so I’m thinking they’ll go on a romantic yacht ride, and with my years of Bachelor research, my guess is 100% accurate. They comment on the beautiful scenery and go swimming and seem to be having a good time. Finally they just chill on the boat and talk and the Bachelor, quite practically, asks about her family. Tess turns out to have a pretty sucky back story. It takes a lot of egging on, but she finally shares that her family isn’t very well off and her dad has a drinking problem. So she has to provide for her family, but she quit to come on the show and is feeling guilty. Turns out Tess cries a lot, but somehow still looks gorgeous; I don’t understand. Here we have our classic contestant with low self-esteem. This chick is stunning and kind, but has a major case of feeling like she’s a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to be loved. But somehow she did tell him. Tess comes off as really demure and meek, but that was actually super brave of her. The Bachelor does his best to comfort her and tells her that he’s glad she shared and thinks she’s amazing, and they kiss, and everything appears to be good, but I have a feeling this will be coming back up.

Rose Ceremony

The Bachelor surprisingly decides to forgo a cocktail party because he’s been able to spend time with everyone this week and already knows who’s going home. This, of course, freaks the ladies out.

Anna is looking very unhappy. Chris Harrison comes in to announce the beginning of the rose ceremony, and before he can give any roses, Anna stops the Bachelor and asks to speak with him privately. I know this is a dramatic move in the middle of a rose ceremony, but is this really the best possible time to chat, Anna? Anyway she takes him to another room, and the conversation is basically as follows:

Bachelor: Where’s your heart at?

Anna: Why do we always have to phrase it like that? Why can’t you just ask how I’m feeling? Don’t end your sentences in prepositions, man. But also my heart is at the location of pretty-fucking-done-with-this.

B: Okay. I’m sorry, I’m not following

A: I’ve been thinking a lot about someone at home and I just realized that this is basically all fake and I don’t have any real feelings for you.

B: But you’re hot. We totally have a spark.

A: No. Sorry. Bye.

She seems genuinely upset but mostly just wants to leave and isn’t really giving the bachelor the attention he’s looking for. Yeah, she’s gorgeous (he sure seemed to tell her she’s beautiful a lot), but for all his “you’re amazings” and “I found what I wanteds,” I think she’s pretty spot on with this whole “nothing about this relationship is real” thing.

So Anna leaves. The Batch seems a little upset, but he goes right back out there and tells the other girls he’s looking forward to meeting their families, and does the whole “this is a two-way street” spiel they always do when they get rejected by one of the girls. They happily toast (because why not have more alcohol?), and it seems like Anna was right about there not really being much between them.

As she tries to keep herself together in the limo, Anna refuses to elaborate on the “person from home,” but she does say one sentence: “I just can’t have my whole life be about putting on a show anymore.” Probably good she’s heading home.

At this point, Tess seems like she’s dealing with some stuff that’s going to maybe blow up in her face, Marianne is overinvolved, Jane is scared of commitment, and Jo has an anger problem, so hometown visits should be very interesting.

More next week! (Save me!)